My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
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double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
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The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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