what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
