we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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