What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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