I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
