Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
