If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I FOUND THE LEGS
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
