I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
