i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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