LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
