Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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