My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
