Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize