Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
