Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
