either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
