I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
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After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
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Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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