Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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