so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
