Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
