We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
