My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
