She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
