Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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