too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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