yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
