I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she smelled like a LAN party
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
