hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
