I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
