butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
