he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.