So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.