you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
