Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
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Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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