sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
