he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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