i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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