I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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