dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
