someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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