I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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