i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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