im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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