You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
