Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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