I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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