i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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