well I can't set my house on fire every night
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
God, I missed his penis.
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