I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
