My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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