it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Boobs are out for the taking
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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