ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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