Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
