my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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