Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
