I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
