Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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