Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
